Trying to Get Through a Day with Depression

Trying to Get Through a Day with Depression

I awoke with the best intentions; plans laid ahead, some hope that I would conquer the day. Then the cracks started to show, I started to feel vulnerable, and my head filled up with black clouds. I floated aimlessly from one task to the next, with no real direction or desire for what I was doing.

I wanted to be alone; but the loneliness was isolating.

The morning dragged on and although I had been productive, my heart just wasn’t in it today. I wondered what it would take to make me happy – I couldn’t think of anything. I felt lost and empty; existing but not participating.

I tried to break it up, I left the house with my dog and took him for a walk. The autumnal weather was beautiful; golden leaves on the ground, mist cloaking the trees, and the faint smell of rain in the air, but my numb mind just couldn’t take it all in. Despite all my efforts to be mindful, I hadn’t really felt anything today.

Returning home from the walk feeling no better than I did before, I tried a new approach and threw myself into my writing. I struggled through 200 words before eventually giving up. Tried to read a book, but I couldn’t concentrate on the words. Tried to eat something, but I felt sick after the first bite. I accepted defeat and curled up on the sofa, absolutely crushed that my day had come to this. It was supposed to be a great day, now I’m staring at the walls with tears in my eyes. What happened?

I was reluctant to share this at first. The truth is I experience a day like this usually once a week. Even when you think you’ve recovered, mental illness is still lurking around the corner. Sometimes it takes you by surprise and despite your best efforts, nothing can shake it. Even those who appear happy and look like they have it all together have these down days.

I’m struggling today, and that’s not okay. But I’m still here, and there’s always tomorrow.

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10 Comments

  1. November 14, 2018 / 10:31 pm

    Hope tomorrow is a better day for you Zoe, you still managed to write a lucid and beautiful post on what those days feel like. And that’s a big thing X

    • November 18, 2018 / 12:05 pm

      Thank you, it’s been a tough few weeks, I’m getting there.

  2. November 15, 2018 / 1:51 pm

    Sounds like an occasional Saturday, for me.

    Some days ‘going through the motions’ is enough. Point is continuity and ‘treading water’ one day, to swim another day.
    And to remember that my calendar diary shows different tasks and meetings I might enjoy next week – also seems to help isolate numb cynicism felt that day.

    • November 18, 2018 / 12:05 pm

      That’s true, and when we get a ‘treading water’ day it’s important to remember that it’s temporary and we should allow ourselves to slow down and cancel things if it’s what we need at the time, because we can catch up whenever we start to feel better.

  3. November 15, 2018 / 5:35 pm

    This is so sad, I’m sorry this happens to you so often! It’s amazing that despite how you feel you still get up; you’re still determined and you keep finding alternatives. In fact, that’s actually inspiring. I spend a lot of time in bed; not really doing much to help myself, so I could learn from this. Depression is a b*tch; you’re so strong for fighting it. I really hope your week gets better! Thank you for sharing x

    Alicia | http://www.aliciabynature.co.uk

    • November 18, 2018 / 12:07 pm

      Thank you so much, your comment really means a lot! I try to fight it as much as I can, sometimes I shouldn’t and need to accept when it’s time to just rest and wait it out. Don’t feel bad if you can’t always fight it, it’s tough!

  4. November 20, 2018 / 6:41 am

    Thank you for sharing. It’s nice to know that I’m not alone in feeling like this, although I wish you didn’t have to feel like this. I sincerely appreciate bloggers like you.

    • November 20, 2018 / 10:13 am

      I wish I didn’t have to feel like this either, but I’m glad I’m able to share it and help people feel less alone. Thank you for reading 💛

  5. November 21, 2018 / 4:07 am

    Thank you for sharing this! You perfectly describe how I feel so often, and the sadness at wasting yet another day. Some days, I can climb out of the hole and recover! Others are like the one you describe, but like you said there is always tomorrow!

    • November 23, 2018 / 9:49 am

      We can’t be expected to recover all the time, so don’t feel bad if you’ve ‘wasted’ a day. Chances are you probably needed that day to recharge. Thank you for reading!

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