I awoke with the best intentions; plans laid ahead, some hope that I would conquer the day. Then the cracks started to show, I started to feel vulnerable, and my head filled up with black clouds. I floated aimlessly from one task to the next, with no real direction or desire for what I was doing.
I wanted to be alone; but the loneliness was isolating.
The morning dragged on and although I had been productive, my heart just wasn’t in it today. I wondered what it would take to make me happy – I couldn’t think of anything. I felt lost and empty; existing but not participating.
I tried to break it up, I left the house with my dog and took him for a walk. The autumnal weather was beautiful; golden leaves on the ground, mist cloaking the trees, and the faint smell of rain in the air, but my numb mind just couldn’t take it all in. Despite all my efforts to be mindful, I hadn’t really felt anything today.
Returning home from the walk feeling no better than I did before, I tried a new approach and threw myself into my writing. I struggled through 200 words before eventually giving up. Tried to read a book, but I couldn’t concentrate on the words. Tried to eat something, but I felt sick after the first bite. I accepted defeat and curled up on the sofa, absolutely crushed that my day had come to this. It was supposed to be a great day, now I’m staring at the walls with tears in my eyes. What happened?
I was reluctant to share this at first. The truth is I experience a day like this usually once a week. Even when you think you’ve recovered, mental illness is still lurking around the corner. Sometimes it takes you by surprise and despite your best efforts, nothing can shake it. Even those who appear happy and look like they have it all together have these down days.
I’m struggling today, and that’s not okay. But I’m still here, and there’s always tomorrow.