I used to have a schedule, and for a quitter and procrastinator, I was pretty good at keeping to it. I told myself I’d publish a blog post every Wednesday without fail, and I couldn’t ever see myself losing momentum as the months went by. Things never work out the way we want them to, though.
I work full time, because I have to, but it can be a drain on my mental health. It’s a standard office job, nothing glamorous, and a lot of the time I feel terrible complaining when there are so many people who want to work but can’t, but recently, my job has really stomped down on my mental health. It owns me, it dictates my mood,my productivity, everything. I’m under an awful lot of pressure at work at the moment and although I’ve disclosed my anxiety and depression to HR and my manager, I receive absolutely no support – so I rack up the sick days, note the reason as ‘stress’ and the cycle begins again. The workload has increased, the communication failing, and it’s gotten so bad that I’m coming home either in floods of tears or going straight to bed. I’m only 22 and I feel like I’m wasting my youth and my life in a job that’s eating me alive. On top of that, I had commitments to my writing, but I was running out of posts and my exhaustion and stress meant that I was either too busy or too tired to write anything. And on the rare chance I could sit down and write, nothing would happen. I was completely burned out. I had social obligations, housework, and a dog to take care of. It came as no surprise that I fell into a heavily depressed state; so suffocating that my antidepressants I’ve had for 6 months now are starting to feel futile. I can’t shake the dark cloud looming over me, the dread at having to face another day and do it all again. I couldn’t take another day of being trapped in this endless cycle, I needed a break – so I quit my blog.
It wasn’t an easy decision to come to; I felt like I’d let so many people down by doing it, but looking back now, it was the best decision for me. It wasn’t just posting on Wednesday, but drafting on Sunday, editing on Tuesday, and promoting every other day of the week. A lot of work goes into a blog and I was struggling to keep up with the demands alongside my draining full time job. My blog gives me a sense of purpose and is more along the lines of what I really want to do for a living, but my ‘real job’ pays me, so unfortunately I couldn’t just walk away from it.
I’ve spent just over a month away from my blog – away from writing altogether really – and I’m starting to miss it. Ideas and inspiration are filling my head, kicking my motivation back into life and itching for me to get something down on paper. And putting the blog down allowed me to give my job my full concentration, and I’m so pleased that for now at least, it’s no longer dragging me backwards. I feel well rested, motivated, and ready to start writing about mental health again. I think it’s good to take a step back sometimes, often our lives become so overcrowded with ‘things’ that we lose sight of what’s really important to us. And if we overwork ourselves, we won’t get to enjoy what we love most.