Today’s post is a guest post by Ross O’Sullivan:
I’ve never been one to stop for a moment and truly look into my own MH. And at this current moment in my life I am not sure if that is a good thing or not. But now is a good a time as any to break it down and take a sneaky peak under the hood.
For as long as I can remember I have always thought – I’m fine, I’m good – I got this! As long as I can look after other people, be there for them, take the load and offer sound reassuring support than that’s good, I am the good guy after all. Which is something I have always done and no doubt will continue to do.
But if I am being 100% honest I have never “Had this” and in fact have always had a deep down underlying level of anxiety that sneaks into my mind in the dead of night and scares the living crap out of me.
The causes of these such horrors are the same as everyone’s I guess; Money, Work, Worth.
I just don’t know how these things came to haunt me so much, I can’t pinpoint the exact moment this cloud drifted over me. I have always thought – my life is mundane, I had the same upbringing as everyone else. But then did I? By my mid teens I had a broken relationship with my mother, whom then passed away some years later while we were still on those uneven terms of our relationship, I witnessed my Nan have a stroke in front of me and the pass away days later, I’ve been in debt in some form or another for years and growing up I constantly had a string of relationships with girls that would end tragically or just be plain doomed from the start. So I guess not the mundane upbringing that I always tell myself.
Thinking of the three demons I battle, I would say Money is the biggest one I battle. Have you ever just laid there in the dark and thought – I can’t make this work, I have so much going on and the cost of living is going up that I just can’t bring it all together. I’ve always said “I don’t worry about money, I have never had it and so I can’t miss what I have never had” but on reflection that might be the opposite to positive thinking and probably doesn’t help my well being.
Luckily a few years back I got with my current girlfriend Emily – she has helped me prove my worth to myself. Which is amazing and the support she gives (even though she doesn’t know about a lot of this) is outstanding. So as much as that factor is still lingering every so often, it’s not like it used to be. I have overcome that, leaving two beasts left.
With this now out in the open I think it might be time to look into ways to treat this, to overcome these levels of anxiety and just turn my life back into the positive ball of energy I had always pictured it was.
They say the first step is admitting it and well here I am, arms in the air, screaming from the rooftops. I have doubts!
What I do next is sort of unexplored territory for me, I may need your help in finding my way.
I just need to accept and learn to either better understand it or just simply deal with whatever is going on in my head. It has felt refreshing writing this down, in a strange little way of processing.
And I have to thank Zoe for giving me this chance to open up and admit a few home truths.