Am I Dying Again?

Am I Dying Again?

***TW: Emetophobia

A little anxiety is healthy, it’s supposed to alert us to any danger around us. But an anxiety disorder is different. It’s irrational fear; and it’s humiliating. Health anxiety is common and one I’ve experienced myself. It makes me come across as a delirious, frenzied hypochondriac, but in my head it makes complete sense. In my head, there’s no room for an alternative answer.

How many times have you had a stomachache and were convinced it was the end? If you’re worried you may be alone in this (Like I thought I was) then let me tell you about the time I almost ruined my holiday:

Ollie and I were in Tenerife. It was day four and I felt so relaxed and well rested, it was a well deserved break. We’d spent the day at a water park. Back at the hotel Ollie casually drops in conversation that he thinks he’s inhaled some water – no big deal. Except it was a big deal, at least to me, because I remembered an article I read years ago about how it was possible to drown in just a tablespoon of water, so I was adamant he was in immediate danger. I pulled out my phone and began researching – and my heart sank. It was called dry drowning, and he matched some of the symptoms. Every website I visited said it would be fatal if not treated within 48 hours.

I felt like the whole world had fallen apart, and my anxiety returned from its four day break and was back in full force. I urged Ollie to go to a doctor, although he kept reassuring me he was fine and I was worrying over nothing. But I checked my phone again to make sure I knew where the nearest hospital was. I knew that when the time came I would have to call an ambulance, and I wasn’t sure I knew what to do.

Guess what? We’re both completely fine. After my worries turn out to be nothing I kick myself for jumping to the worst possible outcome, but at the time, it seemed perfectly rational. My anxiety senses the danger in a situation, presents me with a morbid answer and says “This is definite”. And I believe it.

There was another time when I threw up so hard that I strained a muscle in my neck (rock ‘n’ roll) which gave me the worst headache. A quick Google search revealed that vomiting + headache = brain aneurysm. I had minutes to live. I curled up in bed, sobbing violently, thinking of what I would do with the last remaining minutes of my life. It consumed me so much that I experienced a panic attack and I had to be held as I shamefully admitted what had caused me to get into such a terrible state.

I noticed one morning that my ribs aren’t symmetrical. One quick Google search later: Scoliosis. I’m going to need an operation; which means time off work, physio, I won’t be able to drive, I’ll have to cancel my holiday…

There was no dry drowning, no brain aneurysm, and no scoliosis. When you feel under the weather or in pain, it’s important to rationalise your thoughts. Your chest pain could be a heart attack, or it might just be indigestion. Your headache could be a tumour, or you might just be dehydrated. Monitor your symptoms and go from there. Get some rest and try to counteract your anxious mind by talking to someone you know and trust about how you’re feeling. It is very, very unlikely that you’ll fall victim to a serious illness overnight with no symptoms. Look after yourself, and have a happy and healthy 2018.

P.S. Stay off WebMD!



    • January 17, 2018 / 5:34 pm

      Thank you for reading 🙂 it’s really hard to argue with your own head sometimes and Google makes it so easy to convince yourself that it’s serious! It’s a tough thing to unlearn, but you’re right, it means we care 🙂

  1. January 17, 2018 / 5:30 pm

    I feel like you have just written about my past year in 2017. It is really easy to let your head run a mock at the best of times, but throw in some health anxiety. Horrible.

    I hope it starts to ease off for you.

    • January 17, 2018 / 5:35 pm

      Thank you. I haven’t had any incidents so far in 2018! it’s so easy to think the worst when you’re ill or hurt. I hope you’ve been feeling better lately 🙂

      • January 17, 2018 / 5:36 pm

        That’s a good start then 😊 I’ve had a couple of moments, but a lot better than before, so taking the positives.

  2. Lynn Clark
    January 17, 2018 / 6:11 pm

    Have you started calling people when you hear an ambulance because in your head something has happened?

  3. January 17, 2018 / 7:13 pm

    I relate so much to this. I’ve been to A&E so many times with panic attacks which I’m always convinced are heart attacks…your advice is spot on, you have to try and think rationally even though it’s hard, and googling your symptoms is the worst thing you can do!

    All the best for 2018 lovely x

    • January 19, 2018 / 11:14 am

      I’m really sorry to hear that, but I don’t blame you for mistaking them for heart attacks – panic attacks are terrifying! It’s always best to ask someone you trust instead of checking google – you’ll get a more ‘normal’ answer.

      Wishing you all the best for 2018! ☺️💛

  4. January 23, 2018 / 11:42 am

    I’ve got a cold and I worry I’ll never be well again! Got to keep reminding myself I’m fine…


  5. January 30, 2018 / 2:45 pm

    Very well written. This type of anxiety is SO real. I’ve experienced differing levels myself. And I TOTALLY agree about WebMD. That site is instant death sentence.

    • January 30, 2018 / 5:44 pm

      Thank you. Yeah, definitely stay off WebMD!

  6. March 2, 2018 / 4:29 am

    I had this one few years back and hell it was really scary …After that I promised myself will not do that again ……I try to preach law of attraction …Even if a single negative thought comes to my mind I shun it off and start saying and replaying positive lines …This works actually you can try ……Reflect positive …..

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