The Ups and Downs of Recovery

The Ups and Downs of Recovery

I wake up cold – but sweating. I’d had nightmares again. My heart felt heavy in my chest, my limbs felt entirely useless. Every time I stood up I thought I was going to fall, and my brain was blank and numb. I hate this, I hate feeling like I’m getting somewhere with my health, and then one morning it completely takes me by surprise and pulls me back in. I contemplated not going to work but decided against it. I hate that I have to call through to reception and request to speak to my manager and explain over the phone why I won’t be in. It’s so difficult to explain mental illness to a company that doesn’t understand it, I’d be in a hell of a lot of trouble when I went back the next day. I didn’t want that, I’ll put the mask on for today, and convince everyone that I’m all right.

Some days I’ll get up and feel like I can do anything; I feel like I’ve got a great day and a great life ahead of me and I’m motivated and inspired and generally content. I feel cured and free and capable. But other days I can be the total opposite, and it leaves me feeling empty, hopeless, and completely drained. There’s no telling what mood I’ll wake up in, and there’s no guarantee that mood will stick around all day.

Recovery isn’t linear (how I wish it was), and I’m still going to have dark days along the way. Even after learning all the mindfulness techniques, finishing 11 months of counselling, and getting into the habit of writing everything down in a journal – none of that will fix me overnight., and my anxiety or depression could strike me at any moment, even when I’ve been enjoying life so much and I feel like nothing could bring me down. There’s no telling when it could take hold of me next. I just have to remember all the ways I can fight it, and continue on my journey of recovery.

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12 Comments

  1. December 21, 2017 / 5:59 am

    It’s so hard to fight as we are always on the back foot when it attacks 😔 The mindfulness techniques are great long term, but I sometimes find they are not so helpful in the midst of a “moment”.

    • December 21, 2017 / 6:41 am

      I agree, mindfulness has been really helpful but as soon as I feel panicky it all goes out the window. I need a giant pause button sometimes 😂

      • December 21, 2017 / 7:22 am

        Yeah, I can only use it if it is a mild case. When it passes that I’m just curling up lol. Had a bit of a shitty week this one, ended up bed bound due twice with pain and poor MH.

        • December 21, 2017 / 7:24 am

          Oh no 🙁 I really hope you get to see a doctor soon about the pain, because that’s been going on for a while now. And I hope your MH improves and you have a lovely Christmas with your family ☺️

          • December 21, 2017 / 7:27 am

            Thank you. I have physio and therapy today, with the doctors tomorrow. Hoping someone, somewhere can help with something 😔

            Thank you very much, I hope you have an amazing one also 😁🎅

  2. BeautyAndBrushes
    January 10, 2018 / 7:35 pm

    Keep going darling! these battles are only going to make the war 100X easier, promise! You’re doing amazing.. big hugs! xo

    http://www.beautynbrushes.co.uk

    • January 10, 2018 / 7:45 pm

      Thank you 🙂 it makes us stronger in the long run!

  3. January 31, 2018 / 5:17 pm

    Oh recovery is a cruel cruel mistress! You couldn’t be more right when you say, it isn’t linear.
    I understand the ups and downs from being in recovery myself. I admire you sharing your journey as well 🙂

    • January 31, 2018 / 5:35 pm

      Thank you for reading! ☺️

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