Today’s post is a guest post by James Rogan:
For most of my life I was pretty awkward. That might be partly due to having ADHD, but maybe not. Getting into middle school and high school, I found it harder to make new friends because of it. Not to say I didn’t make any new friends, but considering I’m a friendly person as some might say, I didn’t make as many new friends as one would expect because of it.
I started to drift from the friends I had in elementary, as what sometimes happens. Shortly after graduating high school, it seemed like I was becoming more socially awkward than I was in my younger years. I started to feel more uncomfortable around new people. I was quiet. All until I spent more time around them, I became less quiet and I felt less awkward. I was still quiet and awkward, just not as much. I can personally contribute that directly to me not being invited to hang out or spend time with people I did consider friends. I hardly ever got invitations, and communication didn’t seem to happen much outside of work or where ever I knew them from. This lead to me getting depression, and the never ending feeling that it’ll be easier for everyone if I weren’t around.
My depression never got so bad where I actually attempted suicide, but I started to get “what if” type questions running through my mind. Questions like “what if I did die, would people actually miss me?” And “would anyone actually miss me?” My suicidal thoughts were more along the lines of “if while driving, I got into a bad accident and died, I’d be ok with that” or “if a robber with a gun came into this store and shot me, I’d be ok with that”. Essentially I was ok with the thought of dying. I don’t feel the need to see a therapist, because I have the idea stuck in my mind that my depression all comes from no one wanting to have a conversation with me or wants me around. The only time I feel fine, or even happy (which I don’t use that word often to describe myself) is when I actually am having a casually talking to someone. Or have the feeling of being wanted. It might not make sense to everyone, but that’s probably the best way of describing it all. My basic life with social anxiety and depression.
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